when was the last time I spoke to you? Guess it was such a long period that I lost track of date. Everyday changes takes place..

sot started and since then, I rarely touch the bible. work has begin it's training. Tired to travel from west to the east. I guess I have been drafted away from your presence long ago. I tried to enter during cg but failed horribly. Tired was the word I felt. I even told myself that I could not go back there anymore. Anyway the cg is going to spilt into two. I am the only one from west to go north cg.. I know it doesn't make any difference to me cause I don't really intend to go anyway..

away from home.. I felt as if I am alone and needed to do everything by myself. Yes they did help sometimes, not very willingly.. still I rather do it myself. I have slowly shut down my heart towards them. No longer do I really care about them. Now both of them just quit their job. Speechless. No, If I can, I won't want to support them in any means at all. Cruel? maybe I am. I am getting tired facing them. Lonely child I am..

i never forget everyday when I knocked off, I thanked you for a good day. I know what I own at work - good understand boss and mentor.. these you have blessed me with. I may not be the top among everyone but at least I am glad I can talk to you when I can't move anymore. Far away from you... sometime my heart ache cause I don't know how to draw near to thee.. truly if i could live my life all over again, I would still choose to spend it all knowing you..

after so long, I realised he is still the one i love dearly but you and I know it's kind of impossible. Am i being silly, dad? The 3M you have blessed darlene Zach, I can't see it happening to me in near future.

what am I left with? what do I have to call my very own? who am I that you still choose to be my guiding angel.. nothing. A nobody in the eyes of man. Maybe only you truly cares and understand my inner most heartbeat..

Daddy

It rained the whole day, somehow just like this heart of mine.. Dad it's hard to sub-press the words and feelings within me. Daddy God, I know I ought to hold my tongue. Lord, I am trying and yes the heart is feeling lousy at it.

Daddy no matter how I tried it seems to me that I can't have the bonding with my leader. Yes I was told the fault lays on me. Oh Daddy, my heart broke time and again, feeling disappointed. Dad I don't know what to do. I do wish I could be like the 'old' me where I could just joke and say what's within me without any barriers. Now I felt the strong pressure on me and makes me couldn't pour myself out freely. Aa friend, one whom I can just tell my thoughts to and he/she understands I don't habor ill intention but just purely thoughts and feelings.. where can I find one Dad?

SOT.. less than a month's time.. still 'preparing'.. but somehow this heart aren't that excited as it was before. Today my leader said he need to speak to me regards to SOT. Somehow this heart is saying, "it's ok even if the application can't be process.." Dad.. is this a sign of discouragement? That it doesn't really matter much to me anymore? Where's the strong desire?

I do not want to be under one whom may seems to only care about the younger one but not me. Maybe because I am not open but whatever the reason maybe, God there's 1001 reasons I don't want to place under ___ I don't like to pray for the sake of praying, praying the same old thing and person ALL the time. I do have needs and I don't want to have that kind of touch and go conversation. I don't really want.. to do things for the sake of it..

Daddy suddenly tonight my heart got overwhelmed and I feel quite tired. I don't know the root-cause. Somehow I feel the pressure and the thought of giving up knocks in. So many things I want to say but I can't. I saw the old me. Daddy I don't want.. help me..

'gel.. 'gel.. daddy somehow I felt unjustice when my leader said there's no one helping him. Isn't the core helping him in things like connect-group.. giving BS to the younger ones? Daddy I felt sometime got misunderstood by him times and again. I just.. don't know how to communciate to people now.. especially those I used to talk often.. dad my heart hurts.. daddy 'gel heart felt empty.. that the sky is so vast and she's just so tiny in this world. Daddy tell me it's my emotion making a din here.. daddy I don't want to be shut down.. 'gel.. inward 'gel is so quiet.. once again, I am back to that place again Lord

Daddy..

why is it so hard to walk in the path you want me to walk upon? why is it human find it tough to trust but believe base on what was in the past? Is it true, God, is it true that a leaper never changes it's spots? I don't know and I understand fully why human does that. But I know you. You are the One who changes lives.

God though the tone and the faces doesn't show but Dad you know my heart is crying silently. Dad, I have been trying to find ways and courage to go SOT. Finally today I submitted the application form online but just to find out it's hard to get recommendation forms. Dad, how? I always believe that Dad if it's your will for me to go, surely you would open doors for me, doors that no one can shut. Daddy, somehow I feel empty within. I dare not say I have given my very best but Dad I am trying hard. Daddy, I do not want my leader to be caught in the spot. How dad? Am I able? Am I able to go through SOT safely? It's all in your Hands Lord..

whatever maybe maybe.. Daddy prepare me for such a day to come. Today my cousin knew about it and she threw me tons of questions about it. Dad, I still remember it was my wish back then to go SOT when I was 13. Am I able to fulfill this dream in my lifetime? The world may be against that idea, thinking I may not be up to it. Daddy, all I need is your word of assurance, you alone filled up those empty void... Dad, hold me in your arms of love. Restore the disappointment I had towards myself with your love and assurance of your never dying faith in me..

God..

I feel so tired recently. Body feel pretty hot and the throat aren't in good condition, slight fever since sunday. God I feel pretty much alone and vulunable. I wonder, really wonder is anyone out there really bothers much about me like you do. They called or sms just because they need to get their 'job' done, others simply ignore my presence. God, help! I don't want to feel small

Sot registeration only left these few days. HELP God! I need to register asap and I need to know how to cross over that river.. Tired.. really tired God. I need strength from Thee.. heart break and tears are flowing inwardly, only you Lord understand how I feel now. Not nice being sick huh.. God help me get well soon. so many things to do... I don't want to feel lonely God. Help me, fill the void within I pray..

Sweetest King

once again you lifted my spirit up when it was down, giving me reasons to smile again. Thank you, I know I can trust and rely on you for all things

Excitied about things to come, how you spoke to me to have a larger capacity, build deeper depth of characters and live on you to contain what you are about to give me. I thought you would not speak to me but I was wrong. I felt your tender hands during over night prayer meet, so glad I went. Though there were things I didn't feel good about but when my forcus are on you, the rest of matter just disappeared

Thank you for providing me a way to SOT once again. Thank you for the convinction you gave to really go for it and all the confirmation that it's in your will for my life. You have been with me all this while and yes I am glad you are holding my hands to lead the way. Continue to ignite the fire and passion for SOT I pray, that Lord you will give me brand new visions and dreams, fresh revelations in regards to SOT and how my life will transform through this course. God, above all, I pray you help me to stay focus and keep building the inner man always. The spirit is willing, God I pray help me to crucify my flesh. Renew my mind always and make it strong so that I can build strong foundation for the things to come

Dad, I did feel discourage why there's always no communication when we met up. Dad you know communication is two ways and I am pretty tired to face the same thing all the time. Is it me or the person? God come and do something to it. Let reconcillion come, let bonding enter into the friendship I pray. I really want to build this relationship with you as our pillar in the center. Yes I did felt a little upset about certain articles but God, I want to believe you will lead me to the best one for my life. Help me God

This season is pretty busy for some of us. God I pray for divine health and wisdom for this friend that he is able to do well even in the mock exams. God I pray you will multiply his time, that God you will lead him to study the right thing and the mind to remember it well. God, there are many things he has to do, I pray you will give him the strength to do everything, never let loneliness enter but your presence and anointing to upon him always. I uphold this friend unto your hands. You alone knows his needs and I pray you will meet his needs in this season.

Daddy help me to love you more each single day, that my heart will learn to be humble and broken before your throne. Your word I pray I will always embrace and love. Miss you so much, my loving daddy. Thank you for your companion all these while =)

Daddy God

How Daddy? Felt a little down, so in need to your embrace. Nope, not being emotional. Guess human do get upset over bad things sometimes.

I was upset at the change that's surrounding me. The change between my leader and I. We used to share much and I learnt lots. Not just for spiritual food alone but sharing the friendship as well. Now, due to some reason, things aren't the same. I no longer seats at the table of my leader to learn, able to followship much. Yes it upset me a bit. The relationship is going backwards, something I don't want to have. Lord, I desire a closer relationship with my leader. Able to share lives, not just touch and go kind of relationship. Just as John who was so closed to you, hearing your preaching, sharing burden and having such a close bond, this I long to own too Dad. It upset me to know others are still having the same mindset of me which is in the past when I am learning to change bit by bit right now. I don't need man's affirmation that yes I am changing. Its you I am looking at. I just need and want someone to teach and guide my way. Is it that hard Lord? I feel discourage not being the gal who used to learn much..

Dad, my heart ache when I tossed around whether to go SOT or not. You know how much I desire to go and yes I do know its' a door way to transform my life. But whenever I tried to sign up online, times and again, I closed it down.. Its not just the courage but I wonder, am I up to it? How am I suppose to go about to gain access to it? God, tears been flowing since Jan till now.. time is ticking away.. what.. should I do? To go for it and wait for a miracle or withdraw?

Daddy.. 'gel is so sad, seeing where's her stand at home, how things are at now. My heart feel so cold. Now I can really say you are all that I am left with. No one really bothers about me, all cares for themselves. They even whop up the meals without asking did I have mine. God I need a Home, I need to feel your tender loving touch again, to fill the emptiness in me. This.. sometimes overwhelmed my heart. Lord you know this family's been my love, my blood. Now that it's gone, how painful it is to me. I desire to be loved, cared for God. Won't you come and show yourself to me again? O Lord.. Lord.. I need your healing power to restore my heart back. It keeps shred-ing to pieces. Daddy... I need you..

Dad, eyes may be crying but let my heart take comfort for you are always by my side. I know because of you, I am not alone to go through this. You alone knows the deep pain and you understand the reason behind each tears. Let me rest on your chest, bring me close to your embrace tonight I ask. Let's take a stroll and gaze at the stars you have given for my eyes to see. Your song of love I will sing, keep singing till I find rest in you. Your word of assurance I will always remember, your hands I will keep holding on. Daddy.. my kin, my life, my pillar.. refuge whom I hides.. My Love, my being.. the air I breathe every day.. Dad you are that important to me. A back-bone that supports my whole body..

Dad, I have lost count how many times I cried in pray.. You always hears it and never fails to minister to my heart. Last Thursday as I wept during the phone call, Friday you spoke and gave me the assurance that You are by my side and will surely lead me step by step. What a comfort, Lord!

What comes may, Dad your hands I will hold fast. Early this year You have told me to draw close to you, for out of which I will grow stronger inwardly. Help me, I ask, that I will not lose sight of you but remain focus at the Cross. Though I have read rumours of [it].. Dad helps my heart to be comfort, knowing you have better plans for my life. Not to focus on man but only you.. I asked before and will ask again, Dad prepare me for such a day to come. I do not want to have what's not mine. Your opinions matters to me.

Thankful and amaze at how you works out a miracle for me. Indeed you are always faithful and loving, always never fails to meets my needs. I thought I can't make it anymore but you provide me a way out. Dad, thank you for the provision. Again, you are telling me to 'go' for it? Hear this cry Dad, one last move I ask. Motivate me, stirs my heart once again! Do not let the anthusiasm dies down. Very tempted to go the 'other' way. Yes, the time will come but I wish to go through that door before this.. for this was what you have place in my heart years ago

dad.. one word, one life, I'll follow. All I wants to know is whatever I am doing, will it cost you pain.. reminds you of that Crown and nails again.. because I don't want to upset you anymore. Life is tough, going through valleys and sharp pains but with you, DaD, I am willing..