Daddy

It rained the whole day, somehow just like this heart of mine.. Dad it's hard to sub-press the words and feelings within me. Daddy God, I know I ought to hold my tongue. Lord, I am trying and yes the heart is feeling lousy at it.

Daddy no matter how I tried it seems to me that I can't have the bonding with my leader. Yes I was told the fault lays on me. Oh Daddy, my heart broke time and again, feeling disappointed. Dad I don't know what to do. I do wish I could be like the 'old' me where I could just joke and say what's within me without any barriers. Now I felt the strong pressure on me and makes me couldn't pour myself out freely. Aa friend, one whom I can just tell my thoughts to and he/she understands I don't habor ill intention but just purely thoughts and feelings.. where can I find one Dad?

SOT.. less than a month's time.. still 'preparing'.. but somehow this heart aren't that excited as it was before. Today my leader said he need to speak to me regards to SOT. Somehow this heart is saying, "it's ok even if the application can't be process.." Dad.. is this a sign of discouragement? That it doesn't really matter much to me anymore? Where's the strong desire?

I do not want to be under one whom may seems to only care about the younger one but not me. Maybe because I am not open but whatever the reason maybe, God there's 1001 reasons I don't want to place under ___ I don't like to pray for the sake of praying, praying the same old thing and person ALL the time. I do have needs and I don't want to have that kind of touch and go conversation. I don't really want.. to do things for the sake of it..

Daddy suddenly tonight my heart got overwhelmed and I feel quite tired. I don't know the root-cause. Somehow I feel the pressure and the thought of giving up knocks in. So many things I want to say but I can't. I saw the old me. Daddy I don't want.. help me..

'gel.. 'gel.. daddy somehow I felt unjustice when my leader said there's no one helping him. Isn't the core helping him in things like connect-group.. giving BS to the younger ones? Daddy I felt sometime got misunderstood by him times and again. I just.. don't know how to communciate to people now.. especially those I used to talk often.. dad my heart hurts.. daddy 'gel heart felt empty.. that the sky is so vast and she's just so tiny in this world. Daddy tell me it's my emotion making a din here.. daddy I don't want to be shut down.. 'gel.. inward 'gel is so quiet.. once again, I am back to that place again Lord